he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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