Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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