I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
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