Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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