Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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