a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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