I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
