it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
