I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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