Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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