This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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