the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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