Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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