covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
