i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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