he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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