So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize