no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
