6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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