Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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