The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
