Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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