xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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