im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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