My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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