This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
