Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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