Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
