: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
