so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
