Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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