My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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