I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
