Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
