There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
