There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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