lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
