i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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