Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
