saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
