just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
