your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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