i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
40s are totally the cure
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
