did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
sex in a hospital.. check
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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