seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
sex in a hospital.. check
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
