you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Be still, my beating vagina.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
