Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
