Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
