Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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