Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
We talked him into tasing himself.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
