why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
