i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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