It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
