I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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