How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Randomize
