hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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