i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
This house was built for laser tag.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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