oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
