i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
